


allowed to just exist, together

by spacebunphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2016 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dan Howell, Bisexual Phil Lester, Boyfriends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, M/M, Reality, YouTuber Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 08:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14208969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebunphil/pseuds/spacebunphil
Summary: During the US tour Phil hadn't found the guts to put a label on whatever it was he had with Dan. Dan hadn't had the guts to ask. But a one night stand from Dan led to awkward conversation in the kitchen the next day, with some tears and a very happy ending.(FWB, friends to lovers, you know the drill.)





	allowed to just exist, together

 

 

>  
> 
> _“Do you think it’s love?” He asked, suddenly very forward and pensive, and I gulped.  
>  “Wh-what? Us?” I asked, and he nodded demurely, still chewing at his thumbnail. _
> 
>  

Winter, 2016

  
Dan’s POV  
  
It had started out as harmless fun, going on a bit of a pub crawl with old friends after tour, but suddenly, at almost three in the morning, I was stumbling out of a club with a very attractive man, who had dark hair in a messed up quiff, and fairly pale skin and green eyes. He’d looked vaguely familiar which was why I started talking to him in the first place, but two songs, a grind on the dance floor and one long kiss later, his hand was locked in mine as we fell into the nearest cab and went back to the flat.  
A piece of me knew Phil would probably not like to be awoken by us traipsing through the place, but after the struggle of paying the taxi driver in the state I was in, that responsible thought slipped away.  
The man, Jonny, had pushed me against the wall by the lounge door and stuck his leg between mine, rubbing against my crotch as we had a messy kiss, one that sent my head spinning and made me gasp loudly at the feeling as he grinned at me, mumbling, “Where’s the bedroom?”  
I grinned back, kissing him lazily before mustering the brain power to reply.  
“End of- on the r-right— flatmate be quiet yeah?” I managed to churn out the key words and he gave a knowing nod, tugging me to my bedroom. I pulled my top off as he flicked the lamp on, licking his lips as I happily stripped to my boxers, laying back as I tugged at my cock, sobering up as he pulled a condom out his wallet.  
“Who said I bottomed?” I asked in a slur, chuckling as he rolled his eyes at me, kissing me as he instinctively opened up the bedside drawer and found my lube.  
“I don’t know to be honest babe, you scream masculinity.” He murmured back, rubbing my crotch more possessively as I began to unwind, ready to enjoy myself after weeks of touring stopping me from getting any. _If you didn’t count Phil and I going at it once a fortnight when we had a hotel, then at least once a month back home if we both unlucky elsewhere._ I thought to myself wryly, intoxicated as I was.  
  
“Phil- Jonny-“ I stumbled, and he raised an eyebrow at me.  
“S-sorry, you look like an ex of mine..he was confusing though...refused to admit we were a couple even though people knew he was bi...” I was loose lipped from the alcohol but Jonny didn’t seem to offended, in fact he looked a little sorry for me. ~~My mouth on his dick soon brought the mood back.~~  
  
Phil’s POV  
I woke up maybe only an hour after I’d fallen asleep, to the sound of frantic shagging coming from Dan’s room. He was never quiet, but especially not after he’d had a few drinks, and from the sounds coming from Dan, they’d only just got started.  
I sighed, prickles of jealousy shooting through me. I could kid myself I was jealous he was getting laid, but really I was jealous I wasn’t the one fucking him tonight. We’d had a chance, once upon a time, to be serious, but between university, exes, and video pranks gone wrong, we’d lost our way. I’d only ever had him briefly as a boyfriend, and that was years ago, when he was still so young and unsure. Now though, now he knew what he wanted. And so did I. Clearly, they were different things. Still, causal sex was better than none at all, so I had to just accept the fact he’d spend the night with other people here and there. I could have too, but no one could ever match what I felt for Dan. I’d only kissed other people ever since we’d started sleeping together, I found it painful, impossible even, to imagine myself sleeping with anyone but him.  
  
An agonising twenty minutes later, they fell silent after Dan’s signature,  gorgeous little moan, and I managed to fall back to sleep, though not before a shameful wank from the uncomfortable boner I’d not been able to shake.  
  
In the morning, I stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee, when I saw a man who could have easily been my doppelgänger. When he noticed me, he jumped and pulled Dan’s dressing gown round him further. I spotted dark bruises blooming on his pale collarbones, biting at the inside of my cheek so enviously I drew blood. I sighed gently, and pushed the jealousy aside. _Good on Dan for finding someone so attractive._  
“Morning. Phil.” I offered a timid handshake, and he seemed to stiffened up as he shook my hand and smiled, when suddenly Dan came into the kitchen in boxers, marks on his squishy hips where the man had obviously held him tight. Dan was groaning moodily before he vomited into the sink, shoulders heaving as he spluttered away. Both Jonny and I went to his aid, and then stepped back awkwardly to let the other man deal with Dan. We then laughed with uncertainty, more and more feeling like we were the same person.

  
Dan had sorted himself with an Alka Seltzer and was now grinning tiredly at us, his topsy turvey hair going all directions as he smiled, his face so soft and sleepy now.  
“Jonny this is-“ He stopped short as Jonny and him had a silent conversation and then Jonny stuttered a polite,  
“W-we’ve met. I didn’t realise-“ He began, and I was confused. Did he know me from Youtube or the BBC?  
“Yeah...it’s him.” Dan sounded embarrassed and I began to feel a little defensive, wondering what on earth was wrong with me.  
“What’s going on?” I demanded, slightly cranky as I still hadn’t had a coffee, and Jonny looked dubious but explained as Dan hung his head in shame.  
“He- he told me about you. Said you didn’t tell anyone you were a couple and things ended badly...He didn’t mention you were also the ‘best friend who’s my flatmate’. Sorry to be blunt, Dan, you’re a lovely guy and I would have been interested but you went and found a clone of him with me..there’s clearly a lot going on. I think it's best if I leave soon. I’m- I’m really sorry.” He sounded disappointed and withdrawn but kind about it, and I pursed my lips, nodding after him as he turned to go get dressed.  
“Dan...” I started, but he rushed off and ignored me, following Jonny out.

I finally made my now much-needed coffee and sat quietly on the sofa quietly watching some Masterchef from the night before that I’d missed, letting Dan see Jonny out alone.  
Ten minutes later, I heard him kiss Dan in the hall with a, “I’m really sorry. I hope thing work out.” I then heard Dan go to the kitchen and boil the kettle, so I turned the TV off, stomach flipping over and over with nerves and jealousy and anger - anger at who, I didn’t know. _Me, for not letting Dan know how I felt? Dan, for not talking to me? Jonny, just because he was there?_   I was about to leave the lounge when I heard Dan sniffle, and burst into choked up tears, footsteps heading towards his bedroom.  
I tiptoed along, knocking before entering his dark, somewhat musty room, where he was curled up, sobbing into his pillow, still only in his thin boxers. I was freezing in my full pyjamas, so I rushed to cover him with his infamous monochrome duvet. _If this goes how I expect, maybe tonight he'll be sleeping under the colourful one._

  
“Hey.“ I murmured as I sat down beside him, rubbing his back as he cried, body quivering as he sat up gingerly.  
“Fuck off! I’m sorry. There’s nothing more to say.” He wept, face buried in his shaky hands but I didn’t move, just gently pulled him into my chest, stroking his curls as he relented, crying into my top as I rubbed his cold back.  
“We need a chat.” I murmured when he’d fallen quieter, just nuzzling into my chest at this point, all cried out and pliant to my touch.  
He exhaled tightly, wiping at his gorgeous brown eyes as he chewed his lip nervously, backing away from me as he nodded slowly.  
“I- I never got over you. Not at all. On tour...I thought we might- but obviously I’d read it wrong. So I tried to get over you. Even that went wrong. Now we’re going to have to fucking tell them all that we’re moving apart when this rent renews, I’ve ruined it. I’m sorry I fucked it up with Jonny.” Dan’s voice cracked and trembled throughout as he adamantly stared at the windows, refusing to look at me whilst he crossed his arms.  
I sat right down on the floor, backing off the bed to give him space which he visibly relaxed into, that and the fact I was literally beneath him now.  
But, whilst he looked like he was on the verge of tears, I was about to clap and dance for joy.  
“Dan- I’m the one that’s sorry. It’s always been on me. I-I- Fuck we’re both so stupid- I wanted to ask you as my boyfriend out in Australia. Once and for all. But I bottled it. Then again when we did the last show in Sweden, and the BONCAs. And now it’s almost Christmas...so I guess- I’m asking you now?” I asked hopefully, looking up at Dan as he blushed, shaking his head and biting his thumbnail.  
“Are- are you serious?” He asked, and I nodded, squeezing my hands into nervous balled up fists before he sobbed and practically screeched back,  
“Fucking hell. Yes, fucking yes. It’s taken seven years Phil...!”  
I laughed at that, laughed long and hard as Dan joined in, crying as he giggled. I pulled open the curtains, letting pale, wintery sunshine into the room as he sighed tiredly, curled up in bed.

“Can I?” I asked, gesturing to the empty side and he nodded, taking deep breaths and gulping at the water bottle in his bedside before turning to me. We lay together in silence, just holding each other tentatively, as though we were made of glass and one single move would shatter everything we’d ever made.

“Do you think it’s love?” Dan eventually asked, suddenly very forward and pensive, and I gulped.  
“Wh-what? Us?” I asked, and he nodded demurely, still chewing at his thumbnail.  
“I think so.” I managed out, but my throat had parched up and it was a dry, small utterance.  
“I think so too.” Dan murmured back. “I think all we’ve done is put a label on it.” He observed quietly and I opened my arms up, overjoyed when his exhausted face lit up and he gladly snuggled himself into me.  
“I think we have. We’re the most ridiculous pair. My mum’s going to laugh for days, she told me to ‘sort it out’ back when we published Tabinof.” I admitted, stroking Dan’s bouncy curled up hair as he laughed a proper laugh, no longer tearful.  
“My new therapist is gonna have a laugh too. I kept telling her how much you help me cope and she got angry- pretended to - when I said I hadn’t asked you out.” Dan said in an unusually cheerful tone, his cold feet pressed lightly on my thighs as he balled his body up to mine.

I gulped apprehensively as I brought up our sticky patch, the Achilles' heel to all our interactions and mentioned YouTube.  
“We're together. B-but I-I still want some privacy. But this time we can stop trying to deny it. We don’t try and hush it up, let them figure it out. I-I’m going to be open this time. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that before.” I addressed the issue of telling the Internet, apologising for what went wrong the first time and to my relief Dan nodded fervently, cupping my face before finally, finally kissing me.  
We kissed sleepily but very desperately, hands wandering through hair, down bodies and holding hands as we just soaked in the fact we had finally stopped playing around and kissing could be kissing, it didn’t have to lead to anything. We were allowed to just exist, together.  
“I do love you.” Dan exhaled, eyes gleaming. “I’ve wanted to say that for five years.” He added breathlessly as we pulled away and I blushed.  
“I do love you too.” It rolled off my tongue like second nature, and I grinned to myself.  
“Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I love Dan. Hi, I’m Phil, this is my boyfriend Dan. Dan, I booked us a table so we can go out tomorrow. Hey guys today I’m here with Danny boy-“ I talked aloud all the things I could now say with confidence and Dan burst out laughing,  nodding at everything I was practising.  
“You’re so weird!” He prodded my ribs and I giggled, rolling my eyes as I adjusted my glasses.  I suddenly couldn’t wait for Christmas, and New Year. We would find a new house in January, that was decided. But, incredibly, we were now looking for our first home together. Things would be alright, come 2017.

 

_**fin** _

__pls leave kudos &any feedback!! <3 

check out my other works if you liked this:)

i've got a follow up to this, set in 2018. Let me know if I should post:)


End file.
